Hey, Bulldog fan!!! Florida Gator fan here. You may remember us as your former rival.
It’s true. Really, it is. You guy used to win sometimes, actually you used to win a lot more than us- during wartime years, against JUCO schools that happened to call themselves the Gators back in the first decade of the 1900’s, and just generally before we decided to take football seriously.
Ever since then, since 1990, when we hired Steve Spurrier, you guys have been on the tail end of a few big time whoopings, big time embarrassments, and big time upsets.
What was it like to lose to Spurrier by scores like 47-7, 52-14 and 52-17? What was it like to get half a hundred hung between the hedges on you? What was it like to have the nation’s best team heading into Jacksonville only to fall flat on your faces against that bumbling moron Ron Zook? What was it like falling flat AGAIN the very next year to the SAME idiot with ANOTHER terrible Gators team?
Better yet, what was it like to eat some humble pie the past three years?
You think you’re so slick, don’t you, calling for that Dunce Dunce Revolution in 2007? You think you’re so funny!!! Moonwalking, Gator Chomping, grinding each other like the incestual freaks that you are- yes, yes, yes, very nice.
Now it’s our turn.
Touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida.
Timeout Florida, timeout Florida.
Let’s resume- touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida, Tim Tebow breaks your collective boyfriend Herschel Walker’s TD record with ANOTHER touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida, touchdown Florida.
Then in 2010, your classy defensive coordinator, who by the way is a genius schemer, yells at our kicker that, “you’re gonna f*ckin choke!!!” Isn’t that such a sweet gesture on Todd Grantham’s part? Never mind that his unstoppable 3-4 scheme that had been talked up for months was torched for over 400 yards by an offense led by Steve Addazio.
Chas Henry made the kick, blew a kiss to Grantham, made the universal gesture for “suck it” and did the Gator Chomp at the Georgia fans.
You guys deserved it and a lot more.
You’re our little brother, face the facts. This rivalry looks like a tequila sunrise- with the orange on top and the red on the bottom. You are constantly beaten and owned like a two dollar prostitute. In fact, why don’t you just save the casual fan some time and label your forehead “Florida’s bitch?”
Wait, I know why you won’t- because you’re everybody’s bitch. You lost to Colorado. That was embarrassing. Well, at least you beat that pathetic team from Central Florida. That would have been really hilarious had you lost to UCF in the Liberty Bowl…
So now Gator fans let’s all point at our pathetic rival up north and laugh at them HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and wake up in the morning and thank god you’re not one of them.
Really, now, you bring in a “Dream Team” of recruits. But is it just me, or does anybody else remember Georgia fans claiming that Matt Stafford would lead them to a BCS Title? Granted, he came close once, but Tim Tebow also came close once- and won 2 others.
And I don’t want to hear that Tebow wasn’t a part of the 2006 Championship- he threw for and ran for a touchdown in the BCS Championship game, singlehandedly beat LSU, sealed the game against Tennessee with a 4th down conversion, and averaged over a touchdown per game the whole season.
What about Noshow Moreno? I thought he was your savior. Turns out he hated UGA so much that he left after his SOPHOMORE year. And no, he wasn’t THAT good- where was he in the Florida game in 2008? Why didn’t he save your pathetic and utterly defeated team? He’s not just any old player, he’s a god, right? Gods don’t have bad days and can do anything they want whenever they please.
Funny, but I didn’t hear too much of that after that game.
And if AJ Green was so great, why did Joe Haden and Janoris Jenkins combine to shut him down for a paltry 11 catches in 3 games? It’s paltry because he’s SO awesome, right?
Best of all, though, how about Georgia fans talking up Willie Martinez being an idiot and Todd Grantham being the fix for everything? Remember the point totals Florida hung on the sad Dawgs throughout 2007-09? Yeah, well, Dawg fans blamed it all on Martinez. Never mind that Florida’s point totals for those three years was an average of nearly 19 points HIGHER than the season average allowed.
No, it’s all Martinez’s fault. The way you guys blame Addazio, right? No, Urban Cryer is fully in charge of that program and he’s just an absolute moron and doesn’t know what he’s doing.
We suck and we’re not accustomed to getting our faces buried in the dirt by you guys every year and we think that by blaming our DC for everything we’ll solve all our problems.
So, anyway, Grantham comes into his first Florida game. Now, let’s talk about the Gators. The Florida Gators were abysmal, as they had been all season. However, Steve Addazio’s offense put up over FOUR HUNDRED AND FIFTY YARDS- NO OTHER BCS TEAM NOT NAMED KENTUCKY HAD EVER SURRENDERED THAT MANY NOR HAD ANYBODY EVEN COME CLOSE.
Yes, that is correct, the same Addazio led offense that scored a net of negative one points against Alabama, hung a whopping 26 yards through three quarters against a midmajor in Miami Ohio broke the 450 yard mark against your pathetic Dawgs. Only by a few feet- but WOW.
Your defense is so weak, Todd Grantham should hire security guards to protect them. The Munchkins or maybe even the Oompa Loompas would put up a few hundred on you guys. If you guys had gone with the blackout again I would have pushed one of you guys with one hand, mistaking you for a revolving door, because, well, SORRY, but that’s what you guys look like, especially in black.
All right, guys, seriously, you come up with excuses for everything- your drunk driving AD, your embarrassing losses to midmajors, your big time recruits flopping in the Cocktail Party, or just in general.
But the problem is, you guys are so experienced and have been doing it for so long, that you know exactly what to say and everybody believes you because you’re so convincing. Luckily, I’m not that susceptible to that sort of BS. I know how to shut you up- just ask you how many timeouts Florida has left.
I also know how to stop a Georgia fan from having solitary pleasure.
I’d just paint his crotch orange and blue- you’ll only beat it three times in 21 years.