Hey, Gator fans!!! I’ll bet you were happy to see me today on College Football Live, right? Yeah, I know you are. This is only the beginning. Soon, we will be on ESPN ALL THE TIME!!!
Another day, another failed recruiting trip. Just before the show, I was visiting the middle school, and this time the girl didn’t even want to listen to me. She somehow knew about my success at Florida and wants to be a loser all her life. What is wrong with this generation of kids?
But back to the interview. The guy asking the questions could not have been dumber. He mocked our talent level!!! He asked how recruiting at a school where there was little NFL talent different was different than recruiting at a powerhouse like Florida. I’ll have him know that MY MAN Muhammed Wilkerson was drafted in the first round. Of course I coached him. It’s called the ESP. Don’t ask anymore about it, OK?
This is how it’s gonna work in Philly from now on. It’s gonna be high school ball on Friday, the Eagles on Sunday, and it’s gonna be Temple, on ABC, on Saturday nights. The Miami Ohio game has already been set as the ABC Primetime and the College GameDay game. Everybody can watch me once again hang an incredible 26 yards on them!!! I know that some people say that a good offense could put up 20 times that number, but who said I have a good offense? I have a great offense, bitches. Deal with it.
I just hope our defense holds them to 3 points so we have a chance.
As you know, I want to make Temple the Boise of the east. Don’t laugh. Boise runs dive plays lots of times and since I run more dives than Chris Peterson I’m better than him. You watch. We’re gonna make our turf red, too. This way, if one of my little darling angel girls break bones and bleed, nobody will see it and I can order some more dives to her because if nobody sees that she’s bleeding, what are they gonna do? Reprimand me? Hell, if Urban never reprimanded me, why should anybody else? I’m the best there is. Screw Boise. We’re gonna kill them in the BCS Championship this year.
You know why- I’m the best coach in existence. Urban tells me that before bed time every night. Urban likes me. Fans like me. My dog likes me. He gives me head after each game. But fans like me more. I hear them making loud noises whenever I run dive plays, so I know they all love it!!!
Speaking of, I got my playbook ready!!! Here is my offense.
First down: dive plays. What? Did you just ask me what I would do if the defense is stacking the box? Run a DIVE play, of course. What are you, stupid or something?
Third down: dive plays if we’re losing by 10 or more. Bubble screens to 4 foot 2 girls if we’re losing by more. See, I told you I would have some vertical passes incorporated into my offense!!! As I’m sure you know, a vertical pass is any ball thrown 5 yards behind the line of scrimmage on third down and 35.
Second down: dive plays/options depending on my mood. What do you mean, 2 comes before three? Well, I thought 3 was the first number there was after one!!! That’s because I plan to rotate three QB’s again. I thought three was the only number in the alphabet. My bad.
OOOOHHH I ALMOST FORGOT!!! JUMP SHOT IN THE END ZONE!!! Even I have compassion sometimes on the frail bodies of my little girls (what’s wrong with that? I LOVE LITTLE GIRLS BECAUSE THEY LISTEN TO ME!!!) So I might tell them to not drive the lane and just pull up and shoot sometimes.
Now, one more thing- the musical chairs QB system. I have two QB’s that can really run and one that can throw. When I feel like it, I will send the running QBs in, clearly signifying that we are going to run the ball. And if they have success and make first downs, I will put my throwing QB back, clearly announcing that the run threat is over, allowing him to accurately throw a pick on a bubble screen route that draws triple coverage.
Onto something else.
I know you didn’t believe me when I said that I’m a passionate guy. What do you know? I’m very passionate. I’m passionate about my mid third quarter nap times and my dive plays. Shut up, all of you!!! You don’t know a DAMNED THING!!!
I’m also extremely passionate about my magic act. I should really think about becoming a magician. I can make tiny scat backs disappear under walls of humanity like nobody’s business!!! But when that loses its luster, I have an even better trick: I can make a player’s hopes and dreams disappear even faster!!!
The saddest thing to me is that I don’t get a chance to get even with Jimmy and Spur and Danny and Nicky and Lessy. Yeah, they’re all my buddies, as they tell me all the time. They tell me they love the way I call games and that I am a genius. Steve Spurrier told me not to worry, stick with the dive for a little while longer and before I knew it, I would be a head coach. Or was that Dan Mullen that said that? It must have been Dan, because he ran some dives up the middle and he’s the head coach at Mississippi State I run more dives than him, and therefore I am clearly the intellectual superior.
Yeah, it couldn’t have been Steve. One day, somebody asked me why I don’t throw more. Duh. There’s already a coach in the SEC that does that. His name is Steve Spurrier, and last year he led South Carolina to a national championship. He’s the passing guy. It’s everybody else that wins games by diving more than the local swimming team.
But even Sir Spur himself told me that I had an offense like none he’d ever seen before. He said it caused him the most headaches he’s ever had. But I didn’t see him holding his head much, now that I think about it. He was laughing, but that can’t cause you headaches, can it? Anyway, the point is this: we have enough similarities in our names to have similar philosophies, too. That just aint right.
Anyway, it’s back to the old grind tomorrow. Got another middle school to visit. Wanna make sure my hair is all done up right….
But of all the advice Urban Meyer gave me, none if it is helpful to approach girls, and it sickens me. Of course, I can talk to mirrors all the time, but I mean, you know, YOUNGER girls. “Just being myself” doesn’t help me, because whenever I honestly talk to 10-14 year old girls about playing for Temple, they get scared. Between the risk of getting their ribs cracked, to their arms broken, to their heads cut off, there’s a lot to be scared of. But what am I supposed to do, lie? No way. That’s not an option. I always tell the truth, most notably when I kept promising Gator fans that everything was going to be OK. And it was, right?
Well… I think I’m gonna go now.
Peace out Gator fans. You’re all so dumb, by the way. Did you know that?
War. Peace. WHATEVER!!!
And with that, I’m going to sign out too. I, as in Neil Shulman. It’s been great fun guys, and I look forward to seeing you guys again in mid August. I’ll try to get a few posts in over the summer, but there’s no guarantee. Anyway, if your name is not Jurgensen, then have a fantastic summer. If your name is Jurgensen, then you can go fornicate yourself with an iron stick.